It's no surprise that I want a Democrat to be the next President of the United States. If anything is a surprise, it's how much I enjoy the Modest Mouse album, Good News For People Who Like Bad News, given how much I hated that song, Float On. But while listening to that album, I've been putting a lot of thought into not who will win, but who will run with a chance of winning.
The key for the Democrats is to at least crack Middle America and to go with a candidate who is at least less-polarizing enough to appeal to people in the Heartland. Basically we need another Bill Clinton, certainly not Hillary Clinton. If anything can be taken away from the Bush years, it's that likeability is something that has really started to carry weight when Americans are voting for their elected officials. Reagan was likeable, Clinton was likeable, and policies and ignorance aside, George W. Bush is mildly likeable. Yet only in the same kind of way that one of your buddies from college you had who you drank with a lot was. Because ultimately you could only stand to hang out with him in small doses, as it was only a matter of time before he did or said something incredibly stupid and offensive that made you look like an idiot...usually in front of a cute girl you had your eye on.
But who will this candidate be? After ruling out Hillary, I would next rule out Barack Obama, because I doubt the majority of America's ability to vote for a black president. John Edwards seems to have a decent enough shot, but I think it's time to move outside of politics and think outside the box. I'm talking Ronald Reagan-terrority here. Career politicians are not the answer, Democrats.
But see, neither is anyone from Hollywood thanks in large part to George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Michael Moore. Film stars have become too left and that won't fly with Middle America. No. Hollywood won't do. Neither will the music industry, television or anyone else from the pages of People.
The next Democratic candidate should come from one place, sports.
Everyone likes sports, can talk sports, and recognize the most famous athletes in each of their respected sport. But it can't just be any sport. Baseball has become too tainted and basketball too much of a niche sport. Hockey is bordering on extinction and Tiger Woods doesn't seem to have the passion to run, unless sponsorships or personal vendettas are involved.
That leaves one sport, and it sure as hell isn't soccer or lacrosse.
Football. Specifically, the NFL. Going through the NFL, that is where the Democrats will find their next president.
But who?
1.) Tom Brady. Who doesn't love Brady, is what you're thinking. He seems like an ideal choice. And while he might, he has one thing going against him. He's on the Patriots and it's getting to the point where no one likes the Pats except sports writers, people from New England, and perhaps Houston Texan fans. Thanks to the Pats run over these past few years, Brady wouldn't stand a chance in Middle America (Colts and Rams fans,) the Mid-Atlantic region (Eagles, Jets, and Steelers fans,) the South (Jaguars, Dolphins, Panthers, and soon, Saints fans,) and out West (Broncos and most recently, Chargers fans.) That leaves Brady recieving votes in New England and the Pacific Northwest and sadly, that doesn't seem like enough. Sorry Tom. Better ask Joe Montana what he does to keep himself busy.
2.) Donovan McNabb. McNabb, even though I said Obama didn't have a shot because he was black, does have a shot, although it's a long one. No one actively dislikes McNabb, except for NFC East fans, and while those are key areas, they're not that big and McNabb would have a chance to overcome those loses. If anything, his inability to make through a 4 year Presidential term without injury would be a huge question mark. People might feel a little better if he were to name Jeff Garcia his Vice President.
3.) Drew Brees & Reggie Bush. Right now, and to the dismay of both Cowboys and Pats fans, the Saints have become America's team and stand a good chance to win the Superbowl. If this happens, and they continue to have success, there is no ruling out a strong ticket like Brees/Bush '08. There chances only increase by promising to name Deuce McCallister Secretary of Defense, Sean Payton Chief of Staff, and New Orleans Hornet superstar guard, Chris Paul, as Secretary of State.
At that leaves us two no-brainers.
1.) Peyton Manning. Jesus, who doesn't love or at least respect Peyton Manning? I hate the Colts, but I don't mind Manning. He's incredibly talented at both football and hilarious commericals. If he has any negatives, it's his inability to beat Tom Brady when it counts and any commerical he does that is meant to be serious, like the Gatorade commerical where he comes out of the football. Everyone in America knows who Manning is and rarely do you hear someone say something bad about him. He has a less successul younger brother, Eli, who like Roger Clinton and Jeb Bush, could possibly benefit from his success, but will never overshadow him, and has a well-known and well-respected father, Archie. Add Marvin Harrison to the mix and you might have a winner.
2.) Brett Favre. It is downright Un-American to hate on Brett Favre. White or black, it doesn't matter, Favre is the man. He's respected, well-like, relatively free on controversy, and given his streak of consecutive games started, incredibly reliable. He takes chances and is able to admit mistakes, a quality that until recently was absent from the current administration. He's not afraid to voice his opinion and able to mend a broken fence with a teammate. He has downhome sensibilites and frozen tundra toughness. He'd probably want to serve as Secretary of Defense as well, which would save the country some money to help fix at least one or two inner city school. Probably a school where Terrell Owens will be a janitor in the next year or two.
With that being said, Brett Favre gets my vote. I would even suggest Manning, Brady or as a long shot, Jason Taylor of the Dolphins as a running mate.
You laugh now. But when this happens, just remember who mentioned this first.
Album of the week: Wilco Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
Drink of the week: Lemonade
Sock color of the week: Blue
Picks for the weekend: Bears and Patriots.
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