The President's Podcast Will be Lame & More Predictions for 2013

For me personally, 2012 has been a great year and I find myself miles away from where I was a year ago…and I mean this both literally and figuratively. It is time to look forward, though. What does 2013 have in store for us?

The Officially Official Giddy Up, America List of Predictions for the year 2013…

It’ll be all about salsa, the condiment, not the dance.

The HBO movie about the Fiscal Cliff negotiations will be better than you think.

The series finale of The Office  will make you cry at least once.

Stupid gas prices.

Spotify will use your music preferences in commercials and we will spend a week and a half wondering if that really is a bad thing before being distracted by a new Myspace reboot, this time featuring Justin Beiber.

Game of Thrones will make the leap.

This part of the Celtics’ season will seem like a weird, distant memory come playoff time.

Stupid weather.

Dudes still won’t want to talk on the phone to another dude.

The Patriots will win the Super Bowl by beating the 49ers.

Razor blades won’t get any cheaper.

We’ll all get bigger televisions.

Stupid politicians.

148 Rihanna-induced head shakes of confusion.

The Green Day shows when Billie Joe gets out of rehab will be real ball busters.

There will be a White House petition to save Parks and Recreation.

Phil Jackson to the Nets.

Amar’e to the Nets.

Eric Cantor will make us laugh, but not on purpose.

Tough year to be a Philly sports fan, especially once Chip Kelly turns down the Eagles’ job.

Stupid taxes.

Newspapers still around.

Still no change in gun laws unfortunately.

Kanye will make us laugh but will continue to release music better than almost everyone else.

You’ll run out of milk. Twice.

We’ll wonder, does being a mystery novelist pay well?

Crying Boehner will be a massively unpopular Christmas present.

Tea still won’t be better than coffee.

Don’t expect CD’s to come back.

Taylor Swift still won’t find love and yes, it’ll still be a national bummer.

We all agree that Gaslight Anthem should be more popular than they are.

The President’s podcast will be lame.

There will be a tragedy in England and when it’s time for a benefit concert (like the 12.12.12 concert) we’ll thank them for lending us their rock gods for the 12.12.12 show by sending them some of ours: Dave Matthews Band, Grateful Dead, Stevie Wonder, Paul Simon and Green Day. Playing the female lead will be Adele and playing the role of Kanye will be Jay Z, who for some reason will show up to this one.

The Heat will win the NBA Championship and literally no one will be cool with how it happened.

A frustrated Al Gore agrees to rename Global Warming, but never fully gets on board with the new name- Weather Be Crazy, Yo.

Jon Gruden will stay with ESPN.

The only Oscar Lincoln doesn’t win is Tommy Lee Jones for Best Supporting Actor, but that’s only because everyone thinks he was wearing a wig.

Kim & I will go to Italy. You know, for the sushi.

The Dodgers won’t make it to the World Series.

TV show addiction will become an acknowledged affliction by the American Medical Association, but come on, marijuana should still be legalized.

Andy Reid to the Kansas City Chiefs.

In honor of Uncle Ken’s Celebrity Death Pool, Lindsay Lohan probably won’t make it through the year. However, this won’t surprise anyone.

Here’s to a great 2013!

The 2012 Election & the Questions Not Answered

Much like Karl Rove, when quarter after eleven rolled around Tuesday night and Brian “Factually Witty” Williams called the 2012 Presidential Election for Barack Obama, I didn’t believe it. I was settled in for the long haul and had boldly predicted to Michelle, the nice lady who cuts my hair, that we’d probably have to vote again and that this thing wouldn’t be settled until next week. 

I was wrong. She’s not going to believe a word I say anymore.

Since then we’ve been told that as a country we’ve learned a lot from the results of Tuesday’s election and that a lot of questions have been answered and subsequently raised. We’ve learned that America isn’t as pasty white as it used to be and that people tend not to forget when a politician makes regrettable and misinformed statements about rape. We learned that basketball is cooler than horseback riding and Sarah Palin is experimenting with 80’s style hair styles.

But what didn’t we learn? What questions weren’t answered?

Questions like…

Are burritos good for you?

Why are crossword puzzles so hard?

Who actually watches CBS, America’s “most watched network?”

What will Brian Williams’ first tweet be?

Will Don Draper eventually like the Beatles?

Shouldn’t razor blades be cheaper? At least at Wal Mart?

Did Chris Christie reschedule Halloween just so he could dress up as a Ghost Buster and go trick or treating?

Why can’t Taylor Swift find love?

How do you spell acoustic?

Why does Carrie Mathison cry so much?

Why is cereal so expensive?

How come you can never get out of a gym membership?

Does Donald Trump tweet on his phone, a lap top or a desk top computer?

Why can’t I wear sweatpants in public but rappers can?

Isn’t fantasy football supposed to be fun?

How come no one has invented an energy drink that comes in “water” flavor?

Why do antique stores smell so funny?

Why can’t shit be considered not a swear word anymore?

How come no one on TV says goodbye when they’re on the phone?

Are Applebee’s and Ruby Tuesday’s the same restaurant?

Why can’t I cancel airplane tickets for free? Or at all?

Does Heidi Klum ever look in the mirror and say to herself “Holy smokes I’m hot?”

Why does milk always smell like it has gone bad?

How come there are no alternative rock radio stations in the greater New York City area?

Why is tucking in a shirt such a pain the ass?

Why do hiccups exist?

Were Cave Men and Women ever considered about their weight?

Why didn’t Rose and Jack try one more time to get Jack up on that door at the end of Titantic?

Why is cable cheaper if I get a land line?

I guess we’ll just have to wait until 2014 and the next round of national elections for these questions to be answered. 
In the meantime, very stoked Obama won, gay marriage is legal in Maine and weed is legal in Colorado and Washington. It’s time to move forward and Tuesday was a good place to start.

But really, why are razor blades so flippin’ expensive?

Ryno-Vision: Boardwalk Empire, Politics on Facebook, Pumpkin Beer & more...

How do you concentrate when there's so much going on in the world? I can't. But here's 12 things that have come across my brain desk this week...

Always nice to get my band, Me & My Drums, back together.

I love Boardwalk Empire and try to not to say anything bad about it. But here’s something I realized the other day- True Blood has gotten frustrating to watch because they’ve added too many story lines and with each one hour episode, there is roughly 25-35 minutes included that I simply don’t care about. The show was at its best when it was just keeping it simple (i.e. crazy vampire plots & storylines.) Boardwalk is edging dangerously close to this same problem; especially this season. I’ll stick with it, but I won’t be totally surprised when Owen Sleater reveals himself to be some kind of magical leprechaun.

“Pleaseproceed, Governor” is the new “Go eff yourself, San Diego.”

I do enjoy a good Yankees’ loss.

“I have to go pick up Gandhi’s grandson,” I said.
“That’s not something you hear every day,” Erin replied.
“It’s not something I say every day.”

I think that in general, politics don’t really belong on Facebook- although when thinking about it a little more, I guess it’s fine. I just wish there was a filter I could set up that blocked people’s political posts. Facebook as a whole could really benefit from more filters: parents filters, work filters, inside joke filters. But as far as politics go, I ignore most of the things people put up, but one picture stuck out at me and I’m still not sure what it meant. A friend from college posted a picture of the following: Ronald Reagan wielding a chain saw, George Bush hauling brush & Barack Obama awkwardly swinging a pick ax. Are we supposed to vote for the person who landscapes the best? If that were the case, wouldn’t Mitt Romney’s landscaping company have the best case for being President? Wouldn’t Carl Spackler be the new Reagan? I’m confused about this one.

Hardest decision of the week: haunted hayride or haunted walk. I have no idea how you pick one over the other and what your basis would be for doing so.

Best Shows on Television Right Now (in no particular order & determined by yours truly): Homeland, Parks and Recreation, Boardwalk Empire, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The Office. Yes, The Office. It’s making a comeback in its final season. Biggest difference between this season and last season is that this season I’m laughing because things are funny, not laughing because I feel bad for the show and feel like I should.

Your weekly SAT Analogy- CVS : Rite Aid :: Target : Wal Mart

Local Natives are back, which is great news.

I can’t tell if I’m bad at fantasy football or just unlucky. Either way, I’m not winning, which is unfortunate. Get your shit together Matthew Stafford!

How come the weirdness of Mormonism hasn’t been talked about more during this election? I mean, that shit’s weird.

Pumpkin flavored beer is my favorite non-beer tasting beer.

Part 21: But we're years away from a magenta-colored person being elected for anything...

Okay.

I'm starting to lose it. My brain is so, so, so close to becoming completely useless that it's mind-numbing.

Literally.

I will largely blame it on the weather, which has managed to even dampen my high spirits that I had coming off of the election. Yes, the Election- another night of rampaging youngsters running wild down Broad Street. Well politics has never excited me in a way even comparable to say, a Red Sox/Orioles game in May, but Tuesday night I felt something and it wasn't just the sleepy j's. No. It was something else, something deep down inside of me that was shooting off fireworks and jolly rangers, swigin' beers, and living large out on the high seas. Not pride, because having a black man elected President doesn't really make me proud. It makes me happy because a dude who seems to know what's up and what needs to be done was actually elected President.

The fact that he's an African American is important and justifiably so.

But the fact that he's a leader, a listener, and now, the next President of the United States is far more important to me than the color of his skin.

But if he were some weird color- like fuchsia or turquoise- well, that would be a little weird I guess.

So Obama is going to be the next President, Democrats are rocking the Senate, and if you looked at America in the right morning light Wednesday morning, you might even think that some things are about to change. That this is a new America, or at the very least, the dawn of a new America, and while it has yet to change the scent of flowers, it has sold a shitload of bumper stickers and made Oprah happier than usual.

And that is always reassuring news.

Depressing news is the weather reports for Philly this week. Every day it's been the same song- rainy, cloudy, windy. It's perhaps the most unmotivational weather to hit a small logistics' company East Coast warehouse in years. The combination of the weather and the time change and my new kick ass bed has made me want to do exactly one thing and one thing only- sleep.

So while my excitement for President Obama, the Phillies, and the proud, new owners of our piece of shit box truck has been tempered some by the weather, at least I can sleep soundly and comfortably in my brand new bed from Sleepy's...the mattress professionals.

Goodnight, America.

How the Dem's can go Favre in 2008...

It's no surprise that I want a Democrat to be the next President of the United States. If anything is a surprise, it's how much I enjoy the Modest Mouse album, Good News For People Who Like Bad News, given how much I hated that song, Float On. But while listening to that album, I've been putting a lot of thought into not who will win, but who will run with a chance of winning.
The key for the Democrats is to at least crack Middle America and to go with a candidate who is at least less-polarizing enough to appeal to people in the Heartland. Basically we need another Bill Clinton, certainly not Hillary Clinton. If anything can be taken away from the Bush years, it's that likeability is something that has really started to carry weight when Americans are voting for their elected officials. Reagan was likeable, Clinton was likeable, and policies and ignorance aside, George W. Bush is mildly likeable. Yet only in the same kind of way that one of your buddies from college you had who you drank with a lot was. Because ultimately you could only stand to hang out with him in small doses, as it was only a matter of time before he did or said something incredibly stupid and offensive that made you look like an idiot...usually in front of a cute girl you had your eye on.
But who will this candidate be? After ruling out Hillary, I would next rule out Barack Obama, because I doubt the majority of America's ability to vote for a black president. John Edwards seems to have a decent enough shot, but I think it's time to move outside of politics and think outside the box. I'm talking Ronald Reagan-terrority here. Career politicians are not the answer, Democrats.
But see, neither is anyone from Hollywood thanks in large part to George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Michael Moore. Film stars have become too left and that won't fly with Middle America. No. Hollywood won't do. Neither will the music industry, television or anyone else from the pages of People.
The next Democratic candidate should come from one place, sports.
Everyone likes sports, can talk sports, and recognize the most famous athletes in each of their respected sport. But it can't just be any sport. Baseball has become too tainted and basketball too much of a niche sport. Hockey is bordering on extinction and Tiger Woods doesn't seem to have the passion to run, unless sponsorships or personal vendettas are involved.
That leaves one sport, and it sure as hell isn't soccer or lacrosse.
Football. Specifically, the NFL. Going through the NFL, that is where the Democrats will find their next president.
But who?

1.) Tom Brady. Who doesn't love Brady, is what you're thinking. He seems like an ideal choice. And while he might, he has one thing going against him. He's on the Patriots and it's getting to the point where no one likes the Pats except sports writers, people from New England, and perhaps Houston Texan fans. Thanks to the Pats run over these past few years, Brady wouldn't stand a chance in Middle America (Colts and Rams fans,) the Mid-Atlantic region (Eagles, Jets, and Steelers fans,) the South (Jaguars, Dolphins, Panthers, and soon, Saints fans,) and out West (Broncos and most recently, Chargers fans.) That leaves Brady recieving votes in New England and the Pacific Northwest and sadly, that doesn't seem like enough. Sorry Tom. Better ask Joe Montana what he does to keep himself busy.

2.) Donovan McNabb. McNabb, even though I said Obama didn't have a shot because he was black, does have a shot, although it's a long one. No one actively dislikes McNabb, except for NFC East fans, and while those are key areas, they're not that big and McNabb would have a chance to overcome those loses. If anything, his inability to make through a 4 year Presidential term without injury would be a huge question mark. People might feel a little better if he were to name Jeff Garcia his Vice President.

3.) Drew Brees & Reggie Bush. Right now, and to the dismay of both Cowboys and Pats fans, the Saints have become America's team and stand a good chance to win the Superbowl. If this happens, and they continue to have success, there is no ruling out a strong ticket like Brees/Bush '08. There chances only increase by promising to name Deuce McCallister Secretary of Defense, Sean Payton Chief of Staff, and New Orleans Hornet superstar guard, Chris Paul, as Secretary of State.

At that leaves us two no-brainers.

1.) Peyton Manning. Jesus, who doesn't love or at least respect Peyton Manning? I hate the Colts, but I don't mind Manning. He's incredibly talented at both football and hilarious commericals. If he has any negatives, it's his inability to beat Tom Brady when it counts and any commerical he does that is meant to be serious, like the Gatorade commerical where he comes out of the football. Everyone in America knows who Manning is and rarely do you hear someone say something bad about him. He has a less successul younger brother, Eli, who like Roger Clinton and Jeb Bush, could possibly benefit from his success, but will never overshadow him, and has a well-known and well-respected father, Archie. Add Marvin Harrison to the mix and you might have a winner.

2.) Brett Favre. It is downright Un-American to hate on Brett Favre. White or black, it doesn't matter, Favre is the man. He's respected, well-like, relatively free on controversy, and given his streak of consecutive games started, incredibly reliable. He takes chances and is able to admit mistakes, a quality that until recently was absent from the current administration. He's not afraid to voice his opinion and able to mend a broken fence with a teammate. He has downhome sensibilites and frozen tundra toughness. He'd probably want to serve as Secretary of Defense as well, which would save the country some money to help fix at least one or two inner city school. Probably a school where Terrell Owens will be a janitor in the next year or two.

With that being said, Brett Favre gets my vote. I would even suggest Manning, Brady or as a long shot, Jason Taylor of the Dolphins as a running mate.

You laugh now. But when this happens, just remember who mentioned this first.

Album of the week: Wilco Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
Drink of the week: Lemonade
Sock color of the week: Blue
Picks for the weekend: Bears and Patriots.