Fantasy Learnings from Week One: Romo, Ravens, Bizarro Twins and more.

Week One of the 2011 Fantasy Football season is almost done and it’s important to look back at the games and review what we’ve learned. We can do this now because we can’t re-learn that the Patriots are amazing or that the Dolphins are a junk show. There is also no educational value to the Broncos/Raiders game. There’s really no value to that game at all- unless Kyle Orton was your backup to Peyton Manning. If for some reason you have a Raider on your team besides Darren McFadden or Jacoby Ford, you probably shouldn’t be playing fantasy football anyway.

So here are some things that we can take away from this weekend:

Tony Romo does it again. Romo is the ultimate Butterface in the NFL. He looks good from far, but far from good up close. I have Matthew Stafford as my back-up and an early prediction is that I will debate who to start for the next three weeks before eventually going with Stafford, trying to trade Romo, then being stuck with Romo when Stafford inevitably gets knocked out for the season.

Ray Rice is going to the MVP of Fantasy Football season. He is good for one main reason- too small to tackle. Football players by nature think big. Rice is small- therefore the majority of NFL players can’t even comprehend his existence.

The main overreaction of the weekend is that the Ravens’ offense is a unmatched juggernaut or that the Steelers’ defense is days away from the old person’s home and fighting for their pensions and health insurance. On a side note, James Harrison has officially taken the Person You Least Want to Meet in a Dark Alley Award away from Ray Lewis- largely because at this point, Lewis would just start preaching or wax poetically about Under Armour whereas Harrison might just poetically wax your limbs from their sockets. I could see him running from the law at some point in the future and if that does happen, we can only hope Officers Steven Seagal or Shaq are there to try and stop them.

If you start a player for only quarter of a game, it’d probably be Mark Sanchez. He’s not good enough to put together a whole game, but give him a quarter and maybe a nice tail wind and he’s gold. Gold, Jerry! Gold!

Yesterday was a great day for makers of over-sized American flags.

Do you think that ten years’ ago yesterday, when Saddam Hussein saw coverage of the 9/11 attacks, he quietly said to himself- I’m so glad I’m not involved with that? And then thought, well at least they can’t pin that on me.

Defenses should be able to use 12 guys instead of 11 when they play the Vikings. Because there’s no way only one guy can tackle Adrian Peterson. And also, that extra player will help collect the ball after McNabb inevitably bounces a pass off the turf.

I love that Rob Ryan looks like the bizarro version of Rex Ryan. I wish more twins looked like that.

I also wish the 49ers were better. They’re fun to route for.

With the Eagles quickly down 7-0 nothing to the Rams, I told Kim that rioting and looting had probably already started in South Philly with thousands of heart-broken Eagles’ fans crying out that the season was over. Minutes later, when they tied it up, I told Kim that it was a false alarm. She was quick to point out that rioting and looting can be celebratory as well. She is truly the ying to my yang. Now let’s go get ourselves a new microwave!

Speaking of the Eagles, after watching only a little bit of their game, I saw enough to feel very strongly that LeSean McCoy is going to have a monster season. I also feel that their defense is pretty over-rated and by mid-season, they’ll be wondering if Michael Vick could possibly play both sides of the ball.

I’m 32 now. There is nothing funny, sad or interesting about that. It just is.

Looking forward to the Patriots’ game tonight for the following reasons: Albert Haynesworth, Brady going deep to Ochocino and Danny Woodhead hiding behind the offensive line until the ball is snapped, popping out, catching a pass and scrambling for twenty yards at least twice. Patriots 30, Dolphins 14.

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