The Officially Official Giddy Up, America List of Predictions for the year 2013…
It’ll be all about salsa, the condiment, not the dance.
The HBO movie about the Fiscal Cliff negotiations will be better than you think.
The series finale of The Office will make you cry at least once.
Stupid gas prices.
Spotify will use your music preferences in commercials and we will spend a week and a half wondering if that really is a bad thing before being distracted by a new Myspace reboot, this time featuring Justin Beiber.
Game of Thrones will make the leap.
This part of the Celtics’ season will seem like a weird, distant memory come playoff time.
Dudes still won’t want to talk on the phone to another dude.
The Patriots will win the Super Bowl by beating the 49ers.
Razor blades won’t get any cheaper.
We’ll all get bigger televisions.
148 Rihanna-induced head shakes of confusion.
The Green Day shows when Billie Joe gets out of rehab will be real ball busters.
There will be a White House petition to save Parks and Recreation.
Phil Jackson to the Nets.
Amar’e to the Nets.
Eric Cantor will make us laugh, but not on purpose.
Tough year to be a Philly sports fan, especially once Chip Kelly turns down the Eagles’ job.
Newspapers still around.
Still no change in gun laws unfortunately.
Kanye will make us laugh but will continue to release music better than almost everyone else.
You’ll run out of milk. Twice.
We’ll wonder, does being a mystery novelist pay well?
Crying Boehner will be a massively unpopular Christmas present.
Tea still won’t be better than coffee.
Don’t expect CD’s to come back.
Taylor Swift still won’t find love and yes, it’ll still be a national bummer.
We all agree that Gaslight Anthem should be more popular than they are.
The President’s podcast will be lame.
There will be a tragedy in England and when it’s time for a benefit concert (like the 12.12.12 concert) we’ll thank them for lending us their rock gods for the 12.12.12 show by sending them some of ours: Dave Matthews Band, Grateful Dead, Stevie Wonder, Paul Simon and Green Day. Playing the female lead will be Adele and playing the role of Kanye will be Jay Z, who for some reason will show up to this one.
The Heat will win the NBA Championship and literally no one will be cool with how it happened.
A frustrated Al Gore agrees to rename Global Warming, but never fully gets on board with the new name- Weather Be Crazy, Yo.
Jon Gruden will stay with ESPN.
The only Oscar Lincoln doesn’t win is Tommy Lee Jones for Best Supporting Actor, but that’s only because everyone thinks he was wearing a wig.
Kim & I will go to Italy. You know, for the sushi.
The Dodgers won’t make it to the World Series.
TV show addiction will become an acknowledged affliction by the American Medical Association, but come on, marijuana should still be legalized.
Andy Reid to the Kansas City Chiefs.
In honor of Uncle Ken’s Celebrity Death Pool, Lindsay Lohan probably won’t make it through the year. However, this won’t surprise anyone.
Here’s to a great 2013!