Almost Undun: Retroactively Live Blogging the AFC Championship Game
Pats’ defense looks great; like they have a fire in their belly. For Vince Wilfork- that’s a giant inferno. Beer number one. Yuengling in a can- not bad. Flacco looks like a pedophile with that moustache. I hope he has it because he lost a bet. The Pats get a field goal and in a brief moment of calm I text Jeff in Baltimore with what I would realize soon after would be a dumb, regrettable text: “Flacco looks like a pedophile. Is he allowed around kids?” Jeff’s response: “good one.” I feel like an idiot. Back to the game. This one is going to be ugly. Beer number two- trying to pace myself. The snow in the cooler is working great. Dad, the Silver Fox, is a genius. He looks nervous. Erin is rubbing her pregnant belly. Mom is reading fifteen periodicals at once and Kim is being supportive and looks super cute. I’m very in love with her. No more scoring this quarter. Brady looks shaky. Flacco is gaining momentum. It looks cold there. I wish it were snowing.
I don’t feel good- stomach pains. Nothing major, but it’s making me uncomfortable. I need my Red Sox hat. It’s good luck. Dad makes fun of how I wear it. Mom says I look like a homey. Ravens tie it up on a field goal. This game is going to be close throughout, I can feel it. Can the Broncos come back? The Law Firm runs in for a touchdown a few plays after getting his helmet torn off. Breathe easy. Maybe this is when the tide turns? Brady still looks shaky. He’s floating balls as opposed to shooting them around the field like a shark with a frickin’ laser beam attached to his head would. The third Austin Powers movie is kind of terrible. The Ravens score. Stomach pains. Mom wants me to read an article about Steven Tyler in Oprah’s magazine. He lives in the woods, she says. I don’t care, I reply. I haven’t cared about Steven Tyler since the four and a half months in high school when I tried to like Aerosmith. “Sweet Emotion” and “Back in the Saddle” are cool songs. Patriots get another field goal. People should talk about Gostkowski more. He’s great. One of the few kickers in the league who looks like an athlete. Pats get the ball with a minute left, but let the time run out with two knees and then head to the locker room. My heart is devastated, but my head agrees. Pats are up by three. No more text messages. I don’t feel great about this, but I have some faith. My future wife is so cute. Mom is now on to the newspaper, but wants me to read the Steven Tyler interview at halftime.
We watch Dugan playing out in the snow. Callie has trouble walking, takes care of her business real quick, then heads back in. Dugan follows. I pace. Mom asks who wants desert. I can’t eat. The stomach pains are gone but my heart is in my throat. I need a beer.
The Pats start with the ball. They love to start the second half with the ball. I believe they’ll score. I believe things in this game might change. They get a field goal. Field goals are like episodes of the Office now- nice to have around, but not really that satisfying. Last week’s episode was okay. Parks and Recreation is so much better. The Ravens score a touchdown. Ahhhhhhhhhhh shit. Danny Woodhead handles the kick off and runs it back, looks to have good field position…fumbles. The Ravens recover. Here is comes family…F WORD!...it’s cool though, I apologized earlier. Ravens take over. If they score…they only get a field goal. Okay. Ravens winning, but only by four. Beer. The snow is working. The Silver Fox is a genius. Now Mom is watching the game and getting animated. Fast Eddie is at the table grading papers. I don’t think he’s paying attention, but then he makes astute and spot on observations out of nowhere. The Gronk is tackled. POLLARD!!! I explain to the family just who that son of a bitch is. The injury looks ugly. The replays don’t help. Shit. Beer. The snow is working. Make sure the door is closed, it’s freezing out.