Almost Undun: Retroactively Live Blogging the AFC Championship Game

I’ve just started the process of comprehending what happened with yesterday’s AFC Championship Game- the shakes have finally stopped and I almost feel human again. With all the thoughts going through my head yesterday, last night, during the night and now this morning, I felt I should do something revolutionary. I’m going to retroactively live blog the AFC Championship Game.

Pre-Game

Woke up at 8am, too anxious/nervous/excited to sleep. Meet the Press was great. Newt is a super douchebag. On to my parents for dinner and the game with Future Wife. Didn’t hit any traffic, sure to be a good sign of things to come. I love the new Roots’ album. Erin makes amazing sweet potatoes- they are the stuff dreams are made of. We had a min-Thanksgiving dinner, it was delicious. I apologized to everyone in advance for any expletives that might be thrown out during the course of the game. Everyone knows swearing in public is cool provided you let everyone know it’s coming. Dad filled the cooler with snow instead of ice to keep the beer warm. He might be a genius. Okay, it’s game time. Let’s go.

First Quarter
Pats’ defense looks great; like they have a fire in their belly. For Vince Wilfork- that’s a giant inferno. Beer number one. Yuengling in a can- not bad. Flacco looks like a pedophile with that moustache. I hope he has it because he lost a bet. The Pats get a field goal and in a brief moment of calm I text Jeff in Baltimore with what I would realize soon after would be a dumb, regrettable text: “Flacco looks like a pedophile. Is he allowed around kids?” Jeff’s response: “good one.” I feel like an idiot. Back to the game. This one is going to be ugly. Beer number two- trying to pace myself. The snow in the cooler is working great. Dad, the Silver Fox, is a genius. He looks nervous. Erin is rubbing her pregnant belly. Mom is reading fifteen periodicals at once and Kim is being supportive and looks super cute. I’m very in love with her. No more scoring this quarter. Brady looks shaky. Flacco is gaining momentum. It looks cold there. I wish it were snowing.

Second Quarter
I don’t feel good- stomach pains. Nothing major, but it’s making me uncomfortable. I need my Red Sox hat. It’s good luck. Dad makes fun of how I wear it. Mom says I look like a homey. Ravens tie it up on a field goal. This game is going to be close throughout, I can feel it. Can the Broncos come back? The Law Firm runs in for a touchdown a few plays after getting his helmet torn off. Breathe easy. Maybe this is when the tide turns? Brady still looks shaky. He’s floating balls as opposed to shooting them around the field like a shark with a frickin’ laser beam attached to his head would. The third Austin Powers movie is kind of terrible. The Ravens score. Stomach pains. Mom wants me to read an article about Steven Tyler in Oprah’s magazine. He lives in the woods, she says. I don’t care, I reply. I haven’t cared about Steven Tyler since the four and a half months in high school when I tried to like Aerosmith. “Sweet Emotion” and “Back in the Saddle” are cool songs. Patriots get another field goal. People should talk about Gostkowski more. He’s great. One of the few kickers in the league who looks like an athlete. Pats get the ball with a minute left, but let the time run out with two knees and then head to the locker room. My heart is devastated, but my head agrees. Pats are up by three. No more text messages. I don’t feel great about this, but I have some faith. My future wife is so cute. Mom is now on to the newspaper, but wants me to read the Steven Tyler interview at halftime.

Halftime
We watch Dugan playing out in the snow. Callie has trouble walking, takes care of her business real quick, then heads back in. Dugan follows. I pace. Mom asks who wants desert. I can’t eat. The stomach pains are gone but my heart is in my throat. I need a beer.

Third Quarter
The Pats start with the ball. They love to start the second half with the ball. I believe they’ll score. I believe things in this game might change. They get a field goal. Field goals are like episodes of the Office now- nice to have around, but not really that satisfying. Last week’s episode was okay. Parks and Recreation is so much better. The Ravens score a touchdown. Ahhhhhhhhhhh shit. Danny Woodhead handles the kick off and runs it back, looks to have good field position…fumbles. The Ravens recover. Here is comes family…F WORD!...it’s cool though, I apologized earlier. Ravens take over. If they score…they only get a field goal. Okay. Ravens winning, but only by four. Beer. The snow is working. The Silver Fox is a genius. Now Mom is watching the game and getting animated. Fast Eddie is at the table grading papers. I don’t think he’s paying attention, but then he makes astute and spot on observations out of nowhere. The Gronk is tackled. POLLARD!!! I explain to the family just who that son of a bitch is. The injury looks ugly. The replays don’t help. Shit. Beer. The snow is working. Make sure the door is closed, it’s freezing out.

Fourth Quarter

The Pats continue to drive. They need a touchdown. I need a touchdown. I tell Future Wife I’m a nervous wreck. I know, she says. She knows me so well. I love her. I can’t sit anymore and stand up. Callie comes over and sits at my feet. She’s nervous for me. Dugan is looking at me too. Mom feels the announcers are biased for the Ravens. I agree. Three tries to get in the end zone and on the third try Brady, the marvelous man who can do anything, leaps over the mass of buddies at the line of scrimmage, takes a shot to the lower back by Ray Lewis and TOUCHDOWN. Pats are up 23-20 with about seven minutes to play. Future Wife reminds me to breathe. Ravens start to drive. Flacco, despite the moustache, looks good and has looked good for most of this game. Ray Rice hasn’t done much. That’s good. That little man scares me and…INTERCEPTION BRANDON SPIKES…and with a nice little run back the Pats look to be in a damn good position to close this game out. A nice long drawn out drive, kill some time and worst case kick a field goal. That’s cool. Beer. The snow is working. Still standing, Callie at my feet but I think she’s also very interested in the cheese on the coffee table. I throw Dugan a piece of a Triscuit. He got his haircut. He feels like a stuffed animal. Hike. Oh shit, Brady goes deep. Is Randy Moss available? It’s a bomb. It looks beautiful. It looks intercepted. It is. Damn it. Arm chair quarterbacks are going to be pissed about that. I can’t even swear. The Ravens have the ball with about five or so minutes left. Remember to breathe. Snow in the cooler. Ravens stall out and punt. Two and a half minutes left. All we need is a first down. That’s it. One first down and then play it safe until…Ed Reed. “Any of player besides him and that’s a penalty,” Fast Eddie says. I agree because I want too. The Patriots have to punt. The defense, the Patriots “much-maligned” defense, it’s all up to them. This game is going to go into overtime. Boldin makes a catch and scampers up field, getting them into Patriots’ territory. I feel terrible. How many times can you yell “Get Him!”? Regardless of what happens, no shit talking Flacco anymore. He’s legit. He gets the Ravens to the 11 yard line. Less than a minute left and they are in field goal range. Just please, no touchdown. Almost a touchdown, but the ball is popped out. Life. Sweet potatoes. Field goal attempt. It’s like an extra point- only a thirty yarder. I’m not sure I have the stomach for overtime. My chest might explode…

The kick is no good. It sails left. Brady takes a knee. That’s it. I clutch Erin’s hand. Super Bowl. I love my Future Wife, she’s so cute. It’s over. The Patriots win. It’s hard to believe. I don’t believe it.

No Mom, I don’t want to read the interview with Steven Tyler.

On to Indy. It’s the Giants again.

I’ll worry about that tomorrow.