The President's Podcast Will be Lame & More Predictions for 2013

For me personally, 2012 has been a great year and I find myself miles away from where I was a year ago…and I mean this both literally and figuratively. It is time to look forward, though. What does 2013 have in store for us?

The Officially Official Giddy Up, America List of Predictions for the year 2013…

It’ll be all about salsa, the condiment, not the dance.

The HBO movie about the Fiscal Cliff negotiations will be better than you think.

The series finale of The Office  will make you cry at least once.

Stupid gas prices.

Spotify will use your music preferences in commercials and we will spend a week and a half wondering if that really is a bad thing before being distracted by a new Myspace reboot, this time featuring Justin Beiber.

Game of Thrones will make the leap.

This part of the Celtics’ season will seem like a weird, distant memory come playoff time.

Stupid weather.

Dudes still won’t want to talk on the phone to another dude.

The Patriots will win the Super Bowl by beating the 49ers.

Razor blades won’t get any cheaper.

We’ll all get bigger televisions.

Stupid politicians.

148 Rihanna-induced head shakes of confusion.

The Green Day shows when Billie Joe gets out of rehab will be real ball busters.

There will be a White House petition to save Parks and Recreation.

Phil Jackson to the Nets.

Amar’e to the Nets.

Eric Cantor will make us laugh, but not on purpose.

Tough year to be a Philly sports fan, especially once Chip Kelly turns down the Eagles’ job.

Stupid taxes.

Newspapers still around.

Still no change in gun laws unfortunately.

Kanye will make us laugh but will continue to release music better than almost everyone else.

You’ll run out of milk. Twice.

We’ll wonder, does being a mystery novelist pay well?

Crying Boehner will be a massively unpopular Christmas present.

Tea still won’t be better than coffee.

Don’t expect CD’s to come back.

Taylor Swift still won’t find love and yes, it’ll still be a national bummer.

We all agree that Gaslight Anthem should be more popular than they are.

The President’s podcast will be lame.

There will be a tragedy in England and when it’s time for a benefit concert (like the 12.12.12 concert) we’ll thank them for lending us their rock gods for the 12.12.12 show by sending them some of ours: Dave Matthews Band, Grateful Dead, Stevie Wonder, Paul Simon and Green Day. Playing the female lead will be Adele and playing the role of Kanye will be Jay Z, who for some reason will show up to this one.

The Heat will win the NBA Championship and literally no one will be cool with how it happened.

A frustrated Al Gore agrees to rename Global Warming, but never fully gets on board with the new name- Weather Be Crazy, Yo.

Jon Gruden will stay with ESPN.

The only Oscar Lincoln doesn’t win is Tommy Lee Jones for Best Supporting Actor, but that’s only because everyone thinks he was wearing a wig.

Kim & I will go to Italy. You know, for the sushi.

The Dodgers won’t make it to the World Series.

TV show addiction will become an acknowledged affliction by the American Medical Association, but come on, marijuana should still be legalized.

Andy Reid to the Kansas City Chiefs.

In honor of Uncle Ken’s Celebrity Death Pool, Lindsay Lohan probably won’t make it through the year. However, this won’t surprise anyone.

Here’s to a great 2013!

33 Things I Know

Tomorrow I turn 33.

At this point in my life I don’t know everything there is to know- I only know some things. Things you know are absolute- they are facts as far as you are concerned. They are bases of discussion, conversation starters, conversation enders, and possibly points of contention. But ultimately they are simply enough, just the things you know.

Here are 33 things I know as of today, the day before I turn 33.

1. I know you can’t beat flip flops when it comes to foot wear.

2. I know the Red Sox will always be the team I care about the most, although this has been less rigid in the past couple years- with the Patriots & Celtics sneaking in there.

3. I know the difference between a $15 haircut and a $25 haircut.

4. I know the Wire is my favorite television show of all time. Arrested Development is second and the Office (prior to season 7) is third. Notable mentions are Lost, Madmen, Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In the next couple years I could see Boardwalk Empire and/or Game of Thrones cracking that list.

5. I know the best hat I ever owned was a green fitted Michigan State hat.

6. I know that after a while, you can get sick of drinking only water.

7. I know that the only state not on an ocean I could live in is Colorado.

8. I know the best job I ever had was being a deckhand at Casco Bay Lines.

9. I know I will always look fondly upon Isuzu Troopers.

10. I know I prefer black ink to blue ink, but I’m not entirely sure why.

11. I know that I really came to appreciate the city of Philadelphia.

12. I know my favorite baseball player of all time is Ryne Sandberg.

13. I know that I never thought I’d have a nickname with more staying power than Burns.

14. I know Life cereal will always be the best cereal there is and if you mix it with Honey Nut Cheerios, it’s a work of art.

15. I know beer tastes best in a cold bottle.

16. I know that sporting a handlebar moustache makes me look angry and troubled, regardless of what my mouth is doing.

17. I know the five best concerts I’ve been to are (in no particular order):
- Pearl Jam at the Spectrum in Philly
- My Morning Jacket at the Mann Center in Philly
- Phish’s midnight set on 1/1/00 at Big Cypress Indian Reservation in Florida
- U2 at the old Foxboro Stadium in Mansfield, Mass
- From Good Homes at the Recher Theater in Towson, Maryland

18. I know that life got easier when I stopped caring what everyone else thought.

19. I know that mix tapes are better than mix CD’s.

20. I know I wish I was five inches taller.

21. I know 75 to 83 degrees and sunny is where it’s at.

22. I know playing music for people is one of the best feelings there is.

23. I know Goucher College might not be for everybody, but it was for me and I have no regrets.

24. I know I actually do have one regret about Goucher and it’s that I wish I had done a semester abroad. I really wouldn’t have missed as much as I thought I would.

25. I know that at weddings I drink Gin & Tonics.

26. I know my favorite place I’ve been to in California is San Diego.

27. I know that someday I want to go to Europe and do the following: fly to London, travel to Ireland and then over to Scotland, then on to Norway & Sweden, followed by taking a boat to Poland, the Czech Republic, Germany, Holland, France, Portugal, Spain and finally taking another boat to Italy. If Greece was included, that’d be dope. But if not, it’s not a deal breaker.

28. I know that I can’t wait to have a dog.

29. I know that for me, coffee just does a job. Taste is secondary.

30. I know Portland, Maine is the greatest place in the world July through October.

31. I know that my next vehicle will be a SUV or a truck. Cars aren’t for me.

32. I know patience isn’t my strong point, but everyday I’m working on it.

33. I know I’m a lucky dude because I met Kim and I had to be lucky for that to happen.

That’s what I know.

Go Pats.

The War on Donuts

Did you see? There’s donuts.

There are two types of people in the word: people who get excited about donuts and people who question the lifestyle and choices of those who get excited about donuts. There is something about donuts and their presence- especially if they’re free, that makes perfectly normal adults go giddy. They get excited. They come up to you if you’re not eating a donut and ask- did you get a donut? They want to know if you’ve seen the donuts, that you know where they are, that you know they’re available. If you don’t take one, you best have a damn good reason.

Did you get a donut?

Another morning and another string of crazy, edge of the Apocalypse comments by Rick Santorum. Did you know that global warming isn’t science science, but political science? And did you know woman belong at home and come on, can you really trust the Department of Education to raise and educate our children? It’s up to the parents to teach their kids. I don’t know when America existed in the way Santorum felt like it used to and I don’t know when it went off the rails. His statements aren’t funny anymore. They’re scary. He’s giving sweater vests a bad reputation.

Did he get a donut?

Midnight in Paris probably won’t win an Oscar, but maybe it should. It’s a really fun movie with a timeless message, great cast and an effortlessness to it that’s a welcome sight. It’s the anti-Avatar. Tough to say who was my favorite- Hemingway or Dali. Or maybe just Marion Cotillard.

She doesn’t want a donut?

Why does our President need to be an amazing and unwavering Catholic? I’m sure there are plenty of Jewish or Muslim folks who are great leaders. I don’t get that. And there’s not a war on religion in our country, just like there isn’t really a war between cupcakes or storage units. Our current world doesn’t really know what war is and I think that as a result, they throw the term “war” around to freely. Wars kill people. Wars ruin lives. There is no war on religion in our country. If anything, there is an assault on rational thought.

Mary brought in donuts.

Much like the way the Red Sox ended their season last year brought back familiar feelings of disappointment, the Celtics are bringing back familiar feelings of hopelessness. Well, at least we got a title and numerous great KG post-game interviews.

Does KG want a donut? There are still some glazed ones.

Hmmm…glazed.

The Day I Finally Listened to Spoon

There are few things in the world that match the pleasure derived from discovering a new band. It’s like finding out one of your neighbors is Questlove (almost happened) or finding any sum of money over a buck in your pocket (doesn’t happen enough.) And then it’s a bonus if this band you just discovered has been around for a while- giving you a treasure chest of music to get into instead of zealously burning through their one album in a day and a half.

Last night I spent about an hour trying to update my I Phone and in the process, added some music to it from Future Wife’s computer. One of the bands I added was Spoon. I had heard about them plenty and when they came on the radio and it was pointed out to me that it was the Spoon, I seemed to always make a mental note that maybe I should give them a listen or two and see what they’re all about. But I never did. It’s like whenever Morphine is played on the radio and it’s immediately accompanied by the following thought: I should listen to Morphine more. But I never do.

So I spent the first hour of this quiet Friday listening to Spoon’s Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga and while I feel kind of like an idiot just typing the album name, I feel like a champ for having put it on. This is a great album. It’s like if Billy Joel had balls. Great melodies, splendid beats and the occasional horn arrangements. I’m a sucker for horns- probably one of the reasons that I A) love Rustic Overtones so much and B) was so initially bummed with New Way Out and it’s lack of horns (replaced by strings and synthesizers of all things.) What can I say? Horn sections put a smile on my face.

This is a great way to end what has been a tumultuous week. The week started with a mild and seemingly undeserved hangover that led into the dismal fart sandwich that was the Super Bowl, followed by ESPN giving Eli Manning credit for everything just short of curing cancer and Boston sports fans questioning the immortal Tom Brady. It wasn’t pretty. The hardest part about leaning on sports radio so much to get through the work day is that when something bad happens to one of your teams (Patriots: losing the Super Bowl, Red Sox: everything from August 18^th to the present, Celtics: old age and failed trade attempts) it makes it incredibly hard to listen too. Sure you can turn to politics, but how many times can you listen to the following analysis:

• Conservatives aren’t sold on Mitt Romney
• Newt Gingrich will either destroy himself or somehow get the Republican nod and prove that he’s simply not electable.
• Rick Santorum won’t go away and looks to be vying for a Vice President bid or leader of a post Apocalyptic colony.
• No one can take Ron Paul seriously.
• Obama is (according to Republicans) destroying this country and (according to Democrats) dying at the hands of a Republican Congress wielded log jam.

 Politics can get old fast.

The rest of the week wasn’t tragic, but it certainly wasn’t cupcakes and rainbows either. After four tries I was finally able to get a flu shot and it made me feel weird, it took me over two hours to get home Wednesday night because of a little rain/snow and Thursday felt like Friday leading to the eventual disappoint every time I realized it wasn’t. No car crashes, just lots of bummers.

These kinds of weeks are going to happen. They have to. It’s life. If life was only comprised of good times then how would we even know how good we had it? I think we need to get slapped in the face every once in a while. We needed to get knocked down, so that we can learn and appreciate the pleasure that comes with getting back up and regaining your footing. How we cope with these weeks is how we find out what we’re really made of and like with anything, coping mechanisms come in a variety of different forms. Some people drink, some people run marathons, some people find fun new bands to listen to. In the end, it doesn’t matter how we deal with shit, only that we did. Appreciating the process is for other things- like baking or fixing a clogged shower drain. When it comes to digging yourself out of the dumps, all that matters is whether you did or not and if you’re in a better place now.

So we’ll put a cap on this week and move on. We’ll listen to Spoon more and start concentrating on college basketball. We’ll think summer and buy cheap wine at Wegmans. Next week is miles away and could be action-packed, action-lacked or action-sacked. Erin is about ready to pop, so we have a baby on the way and you can’t beat a good Valentine’s Day dinner with your Future Wife.

Life might not be at the Life is Good stage. At least not today. But it’s at least at Life is Coming Along and that isn’t too shabby.

Go Celtics.

Happy Birthday Erin.

Twenty Sentences.

Not trying to throwing anyone under the bus, but Fred Davis’ failed drug tests cost me my fantasy football season.

What else am I supposed to watch on television this time of year besides Christmas specials and movies?

Elf is the new A Christmas Story.

I worry that an entire generation of kids won’t understand the magnificent glory of a Red Rider BB gun.

Watching Tim Tebow throw a football is as ugly as I imagine watching two homeless people having sex in public would be.

I really don’t want anything for Christmas except for someone to pay off my student loan bills.

Tried to watch VH1 Dives Salute to Soul last night but for the most part, watching screeching cats would have been the same thing.

I wish I could make presents for everyone- like a bird house.

Do you think bird’s find bird apartments degrading?

I’m happy Jimmy Rollins is coming back to the Phillies.

How many stupid tweets do I have to write to achieve fame via Twitter?

Just make sure you have a good water bottle is my advice for literally everyone in the world- regardless of the situation.

If the Celtics don’t make the Finals, I just hope someone beats the Heat.

I’m going to watch at least two Clippers’ games this year.

Newt Gingrich probably hates dolphins and kittens.

If I was Obama, I’d be a little worried about John Huntsman.

My New Year resolution is to learn how to tie a tie.

There is a part of me that is starting to get annoyed with Facebook.

There is another part of me that wants to write that as my status update.

Life is less fun when you’re so tired your eyes feel like they’ve just been hit by socks filled with bars of soap.

This Just In: Today is Wednesday

This winter I am comfortable with one, maybe two, snow storms. If said snow storm could happen on like a Thursday or Friday, that would certainly be preferred. Snow is being predicted for tomorrow- maybe not in the lovely city of Philadelphia, but in those mysterious out-lying areas. It’s Wednesday and the weather today is weird.

Also on this Wednesday it is confirmed that the Black Keys are great. Reports had them being great before the release of their new album and being great after hearing the new album. But the general sentiment is that their greatness was indeed confirmed after their appearance on the Colbert Report. They rocked and seemed like good dudes. The good dude part is important given my simmering concerns that they’re on the verge of selling out and becoming the next Kings of Leon. But I discussed this yesterday. So today is Wednesday and the actions of Tuesday, for the most part, will not be repeated.

Update: leftover Chinese food for lunch.

I have to admit that I’m kind of, sort of loving all this hot stove talk- in both baseball and basketball. The NBA seems to be on the verge of an end of days like situation in terms of level of chaos. Free agency is about to start, but so are training camps so everything is going to get cracking fast and furious. I’m surprised by the degree of my indifference towards to Rondo trade rumors coming out of Boston. Chris Paul on the Celtics? That’d be awesome and Black Keys’ level great. Rondo traded for some jambroni? That would be terrible- terrible comparable to my Kings of Leon level of disappointment. What will happen with Jeff Green? I really want to like the dude but he makes me nervous. He doesn’t look comfortable. He should wear a headband. But Chris Paul is the real deal, even if he only stays for a year. I’m fine with that. Danny Ainge, I’m fine with that. The 2012 Celtics are only about this year only. Go all in.

The Miami Marlins sounds like a punch line of a bad joke and wasn’t that a team in Back to the Future II? I think it was and when it showed up in 2025, when Marty first arrived in the future, the digital news ticker said a team from Florida won the World Series. It would be crazy if that ended up happening. But you have to be kidding me. I’ve watched games in Florida and there is no one there. They are building a new stadium but once the new car smell is gone and people remember they’re in Florida, their attendance will be back down to double digits. So why would Albert Pujols sign there? Please tell me it’s not just about money. Is it really that worth it?

Newt. I keep thinking someone is messing with me.

This afternoon, we give El Camino by the Black Keys the car stereo test. Stand by for results. We will test undun by the Roots tomorrow.

Sports, the Emotional Corollacoaster

The baseball season isn't over yet, but God I miss it already. The World Series allegedly starts tomorrow- it's the Giants and the Rangers. But with the Phillies finally ending an incredibly frustrating season Saturday night and the Red Sox having been on vacation for a few weeks now, it all ultimately means one thing.

Basketball season. Go Celtics.

Oh wait, it's football season. Go Patriots.

Either way, it's no longer baseball season. In the World Series I guess I'll rout for...shit, I don't know and I really don't care. Whoever wins, I'll be fine with it. I like the Giants uniforms and I have family who bleed Rangers' blue. So it's win, win, lose. For the next couple weeks, weekday nights at Chateau Kimalicous and Ryno will consist of Mad Men and Modern Family, as well as cooking shows, HBO, Thursday nights on NBC, and failed attempts at finding good movies on OnDemand. One of the best things about baseball is the consistency of it and like with any thing you come to rely on, when it goes away it leaves you empty, confused, and watching reruns of The Office.

We saw the final at-bats of the once Fightin' Phils while looking through the windows of Urban Saloon after we finished Terror Behind the Walls- the haunted prison & fun house in the old Eastern State Penitentiary. Throughout the entire prison walk, old men in the group ahead of us clung to their phones, watching as the Phillies fell behind 3-2. As soon as we left, we hustled across the street, electing to watch the end of the game from outside instead of trying to muscle our way into the bar, which was packed wall to wall and also cripplingly quiet. People walking by on the street stopped and watched. They were quiet too, aside from asking how many outs there were. We all stood there in silence and continued to do so for a minute or two after Ryan Howard struck out looking to end the game.

Big White, down in South Carolina, seemed to take it especially hard.

"I just threw away my Howard shirt," he texted.

Shit. He loves that shirt.

Yet that was not a rash reaction. It was a sports reaction. It's why I love sports, because of the emotions it brings out in people.

Saturday afternoon, on a quick trip to Target to buy a set of Matchbox cars for Merrick for his awesome third birthday (man, I hope he has already opened it- because I'd hate to ruin the surprise and I know he loves blogs,) I loved the amount of people clad in Phillies' gear. There was no limit on age, no lean towards a particular gender, and no favoritism for just one player. It was like every Sunday during football season, when people bust out jerseys and t-shirts of their team and wear them until they get done watching Sunday night HBO programming. Sports are hope and passion and fun. They are fickle and unfair. They are a damn good time. Especially with cheap drinks.

When you think about it, baseball is a goddamn maddening sport and not the most of social sport to watch- especially playoff baseball when every pitch matters. But that doesn't stop anyone from searching out the bar with the best TV set up and/or drink specials. It's an event that can be better than a wedding or worse than a funeral. The only positive is that you can wear a t-shirt.

So goodnight baseball. I can't say it was all that awesome of a season, but it was still a good time. As for the Phillies, the only hope is that your laziness and complacency this season will result in a return to the fire and brimstone of 2008. I mean, you don't want Big throwing away any more Phillies t-shirts do you?

After the game and once most of the crowd inside the bar had sulked their way home, we all piled inside, carved out a nice area near the DJ and got to dancing. All of the TV's had been either turned off or turned to college football, which at the point was only there to be ignored by most and partially watched by a few. The music was fun, the dancing was funner. One speaker cut out and then another, but we kept dancing even though the music got quieter and muffled. We stayed until closing, until Kim and I were all danced out. Neither one of us mentioned the Phillies until the cab ride home, but it was after we talked about how much fun dancing was. When we brought up the game again, we then talked about pizza. There was no point in dwelling or lamenting the loss. It was time to move on and focus on other things- things that would make us happy and less hungover in the morning.

Sports incite fleeting and powerful emotions- for better or worse. The only ultimate positive is that these feelings won't last and soon they get buried deep down away in a place where the only thing that lets them out is one thing- more sports.

Go Celtics. Go Pats. Go pumpkin spice coffee.

See you in a few months baseball. Have a good winter.

Only the street names remain...

The bars had lines out the door- disjointed trails of shivering & hopeful drunks looking to meet up with old buddies, old flames, and old sons of bitches who were chilling on the inside, lookin' out. These places never had lines before, but they did last night.

The bars inside were hot, sweaty. The wait for beers were endless, couldn't even find water. A cover band ripped a pretty great version of "When the Levee Breaks" at the Irish joint and the Celtics were playing the Warriors at Gritty's, which felt more like a sauna than an incredibly overcrowded bar.

"Why are you here?" I asked Mavo.
"I don't know."

There are many things that change every time I come back to Portland, I'm sure this can be said for everywhere and everyone. You'd be foolish to think that things came to stop just because you left town. No dude, the band is still playing, just found a new drummer who plays a hell of a lot louder than you do and that seems to be what the band wanted all along. The boats still leave a couple minutes late, and everything you were a part of has continued on. So going home seems to become much more of a striving for re-acclimation than a longing for re-reminiscing. Gone long enough, and you don't even realize that when Stanner said, "You went to Utah?" it was a joke- one you used to be a part of.

Two and a half years gone and it took about five minutes to remember why Utah was funny.

Saw one buddy- a dude I grew up with, but hadn't seen in a few years, and while he was talking to me, going on about green building and the potential for Frisco to be at the forefront, I was studying his face, looking for familiarity. Couldn't find it though. He was a different person and no one I really knew anymore. He got up and left almost mid-sentence- ended up down stairs playing Foosball with one old buddy whose beard makes him look like the nautical dude I guess he wants to be and one old bastard who I never really cared for. The good thing about that, is that after forced greetings and such over recent years, we didn't even say anything to one another. I was fine with that.

But the Frisco dude's voice didn't even sound familiar and I couldn't remember if he was even talking in a cadence similar to the one he talked with when we were growing up. I guess his hair looked the same, but really, as he was talking I couldn't help but think, who the hell is this guy?

At closing time, the Old Port streets were a stumbling mass of incredibly young drunks, the younger, younger siblings of people I used to stumble out of the same bars with. I didn't even know some of these kids were old enough to drive yet, but apparently they're old enough to drink, or at least old enough to get a decent enough fake i.d.

I don't know if this morning I was supposed to wake up happy with myself for seeing what I saw, but instead I woke up confused because I'm still not sure what I saw. Everything is different, two and a half years is apparently long enough to change everything. Everyone always says, yeah, shit is pretty much the same. But that's not true and if it were, there wouldn't have been a line outside every bar I went to. Things in Portland have changed, and I'm realizing that I need to go into these situations more open-minded than I thought I was.

Open-minded because while some people may look the same, they, like myself, aren't. It could be as simple as new facial hair or new clothes or new flames, but regardless of what they say, home has changed and will always be changing. If the Earth stopped spinning every time someone decided to move on, boring wouldn't even be able to sum up how things would then shake down. It's not so much the changes you've made, but the changes others have made that make going home what it is.

A little over two years doesn't sound like a long time, but it's apparently just long enough.