The President's Podcast Will be Lame & More Predictions for 2013

For me personally, 2012 has been a great year and I find myself miles away from where I was a year ago…and I mean this both literally and figuratively. It is time to look forward, though. What does 2013 have in store for us?

The Officially Official Giddy Up, America List of Predictions for the year 2013…

It’ll be all about salsa, the condiment, not the dance.

The HBO movie about the Fiscal Cliff negotiations will be better than you think.

The series finale of The Office  will make you cry at least once.

Stupid gas prices.

Spotify will use your music preferences in commercials and we will spend a week and a half wondering if that really is a bad thing before being distracted by a new Myspace reboot, this time featuring Justin Beiber.

Game of Thrones will make the leap.

This part of the Celtics’ season will seem like a weird, distant memory come playoff time.

Stupid weather.

Dudes still won’t want to talk on the phone to another dude.

The Patriots will win the Super Bowl by beating the 49ers.

Razor blades won’t get any cheaper.

We’ll all get bigger televisions.

Stupid politicians.

148 Rihanna-induced head shakes of confusion.

The Green Day shows when Billie Joe gets out of rehab will be real ball busters.

There will be a White House petition to save Parks and Recreation.

Phil Jackson to the Nets.

Amar’e to the Nets.

Eric Cantor will make us laugh, but not on purpose.

Tough year to be a Philly sports fan, especially once Chip Kelly turns down the Eagles’ job.

Stupid taxes.

Newspapers still around.

Still no change in gun laws unfortunately.

Kanye will make us laugh but will continue to release music better than almost everyone else.

You’ll run out of milk. Twice.

We’ll wonder, does being a mystery novelist pay well?

Crying Boehner will be a massively unpopular Christmas present.

Tea still won’t be better than coffee.

Don’t expect CD’s to come back.

Taylor Swift still won’t find love and yes, it’ll still be a national bummer.

We all agree that Gaslight Anthem should be more popular than they are.

The President’s podcast will be lame.

There will be a tragedy in England and when it’s time for a benefit concert (like the 12.12.12 concert) we’ll thank them for lending us their rock gods for the 12.12.12 show by sending them some of ours: Dave Matthews Band, Grateful Dead, Stevie Wonder, Paul Simon and Green Day. Playing the female lead will be Adele and playing the role of Kanye will be Jay Z, who for some reason will show up to this one.

The Heat will win the NBA Championship and literally no one will be cool with how it happened.

A frustrated Al Gore agrees to rename Global Warming, but never fully gets on board with the new name- Weather Be Crazy, Yo.

Jon Gruden will stay with ESPN.

The only Oscar Lincoln doesn’t win is Tommy Lee Jones for Best Supporting Actor, but that’s only because everyone thinks he was wearing a wig.

Kim & I will go to Italy. You know, for the sushi.

The Dodgers won’t make it to the World Series.

TV show addiction will become an acknowledged affliction by the American Medical Association, but come on, marijuana should still be legalized.

Andy Reid to the Kansas City Chiefs.

In honor of Uncle Ken’s Celebrity Death Pool, Lindsay Lohan probably won’t make it through the year. However, this won’t surprise anyone.

Here’s to a great 2013!

Ten Things More Frustrating than the 2012 Patriots

The 2012 New England Patriots are frustrating. 

I’m still sore from this weekend’s game, an overtime win over the New York Jets. The Pats have not come as advertised- frustrating. They don’t hold leads- frustrating. They don’t make things easy- frustrating. The list could go on for a while- frustrating.

Exactly how frustrating are the 2012 Patriots?

They are almost as frustrating as the following ten things…

1. People complaining about gas prices.
Because in the end, it’s more frustrating than the actual gas prices.

2. Obama’s Apology Tour.
This never happened, has been proved never to have happened and yet Romney continues to bring it up.

3. Musicians as both Host and Musical Guest on Saturday Night Live.
Not all musicians are Justin Timberlake.

4. Lame Haunted Hayrides.
Take a cue from Terror Behind the Walls in Philadelphia and don’t skimp. Pull out all the stops. The scariest part shouldn’t be the wait.

5. Leaves.
Just when you think you’ve raked them all, more fall to the ground.

6. Squirrels.
Stop pooping on my deck!

7. The 4 Beer Hangover.
It’s simply not fair. I’ll take a hangover if I’ve earned it. Drinking four beers is not earning it.

8. Lost, season 3, episodes 1 through 5.
I get it, you want to mysterious. But you want me to keep watching don’t you? Oh you do? Great, then stop frustrating the shit out of me!
* even though this happened in 2006, it still frustrates me

9. Fantasy Football.
Don’t tell my wife this, but it’s starting to become a waste of money.

10. Buying Beer in Pennsylvania.
I can only make light of this now that I live in New Jersey, where you buy beer with ease. You know, like how God intended.

I have faith the Patriots will turn it around and come January, will be right in the mix for the Super Bowl. 

But until then, their games will continue to be four hours of sitting on the edge of my couch, swearing loudly, wild swings of emotion, depressing bouts of sports anger, uplifting bouts of sports happiness and an inability to watch the last two minutes of the game. 

Sounds awesome. 

Giddy up.

10 Things Unrelated to Building Rocking Chairs

A brief rundown of 10 things I've learned or have affirmed in the past couple weeks- listed in no particular order.

Goucher Athenaeum

1. Your college will have changed as much as you have in 10 years.
     It's true. While Wife and I were down in Baltimore a few weeks 
     ago, I showed here good ol' Goucher, where she was amazed that       
     the school was "actually that small." I was amazed too...at how 
     much it had changed. The loop road is different, there's a Death 
     Star-looking building staring at you and parking lots in the woods. 

2. Just because the windows in your new office open (and the windows in your office at your previous jobs don’t) doesn’t mean you should leave them open all the time.

3. Some people just aren’t going to like Newsroom and you have to respect that.
    Kim gave it an episode and a half before we pulled the plug. Much like pumpkin ice cream, it's not for   
    everyone.

4. You need to learn control your sports anger.
     In related news, maturity is not an overnight occurrence.

5. It can only get better for the Red Sox.
    Right? It has too. Although to be fair, not losing 90 games in a season since 1966 is pretty impressive.

6. You’ll be taken back by your new driver’s license for about two weeks after getting it.
     I don't look at mine a lot, but I definitely do a double take when I do and it says I live in New Jersey.

7. Yup, only one episode in and yes, Homeland is as good as everyone says it is.
     This totally almost happen last night after we watched the first episode...

8. I do love a good Jets’ loss.

9. You really shouldn't own a house if you don’t own a drill.
     A smart Realtor would work out something with DeWalt...first time home buyers get a free drill.

10. Squirrels are incredibly loud & messy eaters.
       They would be terrible to go to a movie with.

Bonus. Tom Brady takes his touchdowns seriously.

I think he's saying "Elephant Shoes Itches"

33 Things I Know

Tomorrow I turn 33.

At this point in my life I don’t know everything there is to know- I only know some things. Things you know are absolute- they are facts as far as you are concerned. They are bases of discussion, conversation starters, conversation enders, and possibly points of contention. But ultimately they are simply enough, just the things you know.

Here are 33 things I know as of today, the day before I turn 33.

1. I know you can’t beat flip flops when it comes to foot wear.

2. I know the Red Sox will always be the team I care about the most, although this has been less rigid in the past couple years- with the Patriots & Celtics sneaking in there.

3. I know the difference between a $15 haircut and a $25 haircut.

4. I know the Wire is my favorite television show of all time. Arrested Development is second and the Office (prior to season 7) is third. Notable mentions are Lost, Madmen, Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In the next couple years I could see Boardwalk Empire and/or Game of Thrones cracking that list.

5. I know the best hat I ever owned was a green fitted Michigan State hat.

6. I know that after a while, you can get sick of drinking only water.

7. I know that the only state not on an ocean I could live in is Colorado.

8. I know the best job I ever had was being a deckhand at Casco Bay Lines.

9. I know I will always look fondly upon Isuzu Troopers.

10. I know I prefer black ink to blue ink, but I’m not entirely sure why.

11. I know that I really came to appreciate the city of Philadelphia.

12. I know my favorite baseball player of all time is Ryne Sandberg.

13. I know that I never thought I’d have a nickname with more staying power than Burns.

14. I know Life cereal will always be the best cereal there is and if you mix it with Honey Nut Cheerios, it’s a work of art.

15. I know beer tastes best in a cold bottle.

16. I know that sporting a handlebar moustache makes me look angry and troubled, regardless of what my mouth is doing.

17. I know the five best concerts I’ve been to are (in no particular order):
- Pearl Jam at the Spectrum in Philly
- My Morning Jacket at the Mann Center in Philly
- Phish’s midnight set on 1/1/00 at Big Cypress Indian Reservation in Florida
- U2 at the old Foxboro Stadium in Mansfield, Mass
- From Good Homes at the Recher Theater in Towson, Maryland

18. I know that life got easier when I stopped caring what everyone else thought.

19. I know that mix tapes are better than mix CD’s.

20. I know I wish I was five inches taller.

21. I know 75 to 83 degrees and sunny is where it’s at.

22. I know playing music for people is one of the best feelings there is.

23. I know Goucher College might not be for everybody, but it was for me and I have no regrets.

24. I know I actually do have one regret about Goucher and it’s that I wish I had done a semester abroad. I really wouldn’t have missed as much as I thought I would.

25. I know that at weddings I drink Gin & Tonics.

26. I know my favorite place I’ve been to in California is San Diego.

27. I know that someday I want to go to Europe and do the following: fly to London, travel to Ireland and then over to Scotland, then on to Norway & Sweden, followed by taking a boat to Poland, the Czech Republic, Germany, Holland, France, Portugal, Spain and finally taking another boat to Italy. If Greece was included, that’d be dope. But if not, it’s not a deal breaker.

28. I know that I can’t wait to have a dog.

29. I know that for me, coffee just does a job. Taste is secondary.

30. I know Portland, Maine is the greatest place in the world July through October.

31. I know that my next vehicle will be a SUV or a truck. Cars aren’t for me.

32. I know patience isn’t my strong point, but everyday I’m working on it.

33. I know I’m a lucky dude because I met Kim and I had to be lucky for that to happen.

That’s what I know.

Go Pats.

The Day I Finally Listened to Spoon

There are few things in the world that match the pleasure derived from discovering a new band. It’s like finding out one of your neighbors is Questlove (almost happened) or finding any sum of money over a buck in your pocket (doesn’t happen enough.) And then it’s a bonus if this band you just discovered has been around for a while- giving you a treasure chest of music to get into instead of zealously burning through their one album in a day and a half.

Last night I spent about an hour trying to update my I Phone and in the process, added some music to it from Future Wife’s computer. One of the bands I added was Spoon. I had heard about them plenty and when they came on the radio and it was pointed out to me that it was the Spoon, I seemed to always make a mental note that maybe I should give them a listen or two and see what they’re all about. But I never did. It’s like whenever Morphine is played on the radio and it’s immediately accompanied by the following thought: I should listen to Morphine more. But I never do.

So I spent the first hour of this quiet Friday listening to Spoon’s Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga and while I feel kind of like an idiot just typing the album name, I feel like a champ for having put it on. This is a great album. It’s like if Billy Joel had balls. Great melodies, splendid beats and the occasional horn arrangements. I’m a sucker for horns- probably one of the reasons that I A) love Rustic Overtones so much and B) was so initially bummed with New Way Out and it’s lack of horns (replaced by strings and synthesizers of all things.) What can I say? Horn sections put a smile on my face.

This is a great way to end what has been a tumultuous week. The week started with a mild and seemingly undeserved hangover that led into the dismal fart sandwich that was the Super Bowl, followed by ESPN giving Eli Manning credit for everything just short of curing cancer and Boston sports fans questioning the immortal Tom Brady. It wasn’t pretty. The hardest part about leaning on sports radio so much to get through the work day is that when something bad happens to one of your teams (Patriots: losing the Super Bowl, Red Sox: everything from August 18^th to the present, Celtics: old age and failed trade attempts) it makes it incredibly hard to listen too. Sure you can turn to politics, but how many times can you listen to the following analysis:

• Conservatives aren’t sold on Mitt Romney
• Newt Gingrich will either destroy himself or somehow get the Republican nod and prove that he’s simply not electable.
• Rick Santorum won’t go away and looks to be vying for a Vice President bid or leader of a post Apocalyptic colony.
• No one can take Ron Paul seriously.
• Obama is (according to Republicans) destroying this country and (according to Democrats) dying at the hands of a Republican Congress wielded log jam.

 Politics can get old fast.

The rest of the week wasn’t tragic, but it certainly wasn’t cupcakes and rainbows either. After four tries I was finally able to get a flu shot and it made me feel weird, it took me over two hours to get home Wednesday night because of a little rain/snow and Thursday felt like Friday leading to the eventual disappoint every time I realized it wasn’t. No car crashes, just lots of bummers.

These kinds of weeks are going to happen. They have to. It’s life. If life was only comprised of good times then how would we even know how good we had it? I think we need to get slapped in the face every once in a while. We needed to get knocked down, so that we can learn and appreciate the pleasure that comes with getting back up and regaining your footing. How we cope with these weeks is how we find out what we’re really made of and like with anything, coping mechanisms come in a variety of different forms. Some people drink, some people run marathons, some people find fun new bands to listen to. In the end, it doesn’t matter how we deal with shit, only that we did. Appreciating the process is for other things- like baking or fixing a clogged shower drain. When it comes to digging yourself out of the dumps, all that matters is whether you did or not and if you’re in a better place now.

So we’ll put a cap on this week and move on. We’ll listen to Spoon more and start concentrating on college basketball. We’ll think summer and buy cheap wine at Wegmans. Next week is miles away and could be action-packed, action-lacked or action-sacked. Erin is about ready to pop, so we have a baby on the way and you can’t beat a good Valentine’s Day dinner with your Future Wife.

Life might not be at the Life is Good stage. At least not today. But it’s at least at Life is Coming Along and that isn’t too shabby.

Go Celtics.

Happy Birthday Erin.

Trying to Move On: 5 Things to Think About Today Besides the Super Bowl

All right, the Super Bowl is over. Cue…sports angry! But it’s Monday and unfortunately life has to go on. The Bachelor is on tonight. It’s not all bad. But still, I’m baffled by the number of people who call out sick today. First because of the balls they must have to do it and second for employers to be cool with it. I’m starting to think that it’d just be easier if the Super Bowl was on Saturday. Wait…why isn’t the Super Bowl on Saturday? Every year you hear everyone complain about having to work the next day or go to school and the subsequent arguments that today should be a holiday. That’s not going to happen. Not unless someone famous and/or important dies. The only thing that dies the day after the Super Bowl are the hopes and dreams of the losers. But no one is talking about just moving the game to Saturday. Such an easy fix and come on, it’s not like it’s going to take away from the ratings.

Either way- today is Monday and moving on is essential, especially for a downtrodden Pats’ fan like myself. The internet is against someone like me today with stories so gloriously fawning over Eli “The Human Horseshoe” Manning that you’d think he just cured cancer. So what do you do? What do you at work today to procrastinate?

Here are 5 things to think about besides the Super Bowl…

1. The weather. Apparently it’s winter. While there’s no real sign of it, my calendar does say "February" and I’m pretty sure February is a winter month. It was sixty degrees last week. I’m not complaining, just saying. It’s weird. I don’t speak Mayan, so I’m not sure if this is part of the end of days. But if it was I’d be disappointed. I’d expect something more drastic from the end of days than sixty degrees in January. Like eighty degrees. That’s drastic…drastically crazy!

2. Newt’s Moon Colony. And I’m not talking about the opening skit of Saturday Night Live this week because all that proved was that when they cast Bobby Moynihan as Newt back at the start of the Republican Death Match for the Nomination, the folks at SNL, like most of America, didn’t see Newt getting this far. And while Newt’s comments about a Moon Colony were funny, I think the real remarkable thing about Newt is how he’s apparently shit talk repellent. No matter what barb you throw at him (and no matter how true and potentially damning it may be) it doesn’t faze him. He flips it. He’s such a dick that he makes you look like a dick for calling him a dick for being a dick. Confusing? Kind of. Newt may be a Jedi.

3. NBA Basketball. Quick rundown: the Sixers = surprisingly good, the Celtics = old, but still have some fight in them, the Heat = amazing for three quarters (again), the Mavericks = probably not going to repeat, the Clippers = seemingly as good as advertised, the Knicks = adorably inept, the Thunder = good chance to win it all, the Bulls = still need someone to help D Rose.

4. No really, the weather is really weird. It is.

5. Donald Trump. I am completely baffled by his role in the Republican Death Match for the Nomination and for so many reasons. First off, when did he become such an influential figure in the Republican party? Is he even an influential figure? Who is the person out there who takes their political advice and guidance from him? Gary Busey? Is it simply ignored by a Republican groveling for his endorsement that he frequently discusses the fact that he’s still considering running himself? Will any of this affect Celebrity Apprentice’s ratings? I just don’t get it. I really don’t. We can laugh about it, but it’s frightening to think that some people take him seriously. No one I know, but America is a big country- some people must be for nearly every Republican out there trying to get the nomination has knocked on his door for a sit down. Who are those people? Can we deport them? Can we urge them to leave on their own, voluntary deportation? Can we deport Trump? What are our options here? If nothing else, we need to discuss our options.

Bonus question: Does M.I.A. regain any of the street cred she had, but then kind of lost by appearing on that God awful Madonna song, by giving the camera the finger during the Halftime show?

I say kind of, sort of. But my confusion could be related to the fact that the entire Halftime show was confusing. It looked like it was in slow motion and was flat. Did they get confused and think it was a dress rehearsal? Sometimes I forget if I shampoo’d and them I shampoo again. Maybe the same thing happened to every performer during the show. I can’t wait for Taylor Swift at next year’s Super Bowl. Pretend it’s not going to happen. I dare you. Pine all you want for the U2 to come back or for Arcade Fire to play or maybe a full on rock ‘n roll Royal Rumble featuring the Black Keys, Foo Fighters and probably someone terrible like Daughtery. It’s not going to happen. Can we get Bruce back?

Time to start watching college basketball and counting down the days until pitchers and catchers report.

Life moves on, whether we’re ready for it or not.

Almost Undun: Retroactively Live Blogging the AFC Championship Game

I’ve just started the process of comprehending what happened with yesterday’s AFC Championship Game- the shakes have finally stopped and I almost feel human again. With all the thoughts going through my head yesterday, last night, during the night and now this morning, I felt I should do something revolutionary. I’m going to retroactively live blog the AFC Championship Game.

Pre-Game

Woke up at 8am, too anxious/nervous/excited to sleep. Meet the Press was great. Newt is a super douchebag. On to my parents for dinner and the game with Future Wife. Didn’t hit any traffic, sure to be a good sign of things to come. I love the new Roots’ album. Erin makes amazing sweet potatoes- they are the stuff dreams are made of. We had a min-Thanksgiving dinner, it was delicious. I apologized to everyone in advance for any expletives that might be thrown out during the course of the game. Everyone knows swearing in public is cool provided you let everyone know it’s coming. Dad filled the cooler with snow instead of ice to keep the beer warm. He might be a genius. Okay, it’s game time. Let’s go.

First Quarter
Pats’ defense looks great; like they have a fire in their belly. For Vince Wilfork- that’s a giant inferno. Beer number one. Yuengling in a can- not bad. Flacco looks like a pedophile with that moustache. I hope he has it because he lost a bet. The Pats get a field goal and in a brief moment of calm I text Jeff in Baltimore with what I would realize soon after would be a dumb, regrettable text: “Flacco looks like a pedophile. Is he allowed around kids?” Jeff’s response: “good one.” I feel like an idiot. Back to the game. This one is going to be ugly. Beer number two- trying to pace myself. The snow in the cooler is working great. Dad, the Silver Fox, is a genius. He looks nervous. Erin is rubbing her pregnant belly. Mom is reading fifteen periodicals at once and Kim is being supportive and looks super cute. I’m very in love with her. No more scoring this quarter. Brady looks shaky. Flacco is gaining momentum. It looks cold there. I wish it were snowing.

Second Quarter
I don’t feel good- stomach pains. Nothing major, but it’s making me uncomfortable. I need my Red Sox hat. It’s good luck. Dad makes fun of how I wear it. Mom says I look like a homey. Ravens tie it up on a field goal. This game is going to be close throughout, I can feel it. Can the Broncos come back? The Law Firm runs in for a touchdown a few plays after getting his helmet torn off. Breathe easy. Maybe this is when the tide turns? Brady still looks shaky. He’s floating balls as opposed to shooting them around the field like a shark with a frickin’ laser beam attached to his head would. The third Austin Powers movie is kind of terrible. The Ravens score. Stomach pains. Mom wants me to read an article about Steven Tyler in Oprah’s magazine. He lives in the woods, she says. I don’t care, I reply. I haven’t cared about Steven Tyler since the four and a half months in high school when I tried to like Aerosmith. “Sweet Emotion” and “Back in the Saddle” are cool songs. Patriots get another field goal. People should talk about Gostkowski more. He’s great. One of the few kickers in the league who looks like an athlete. Pats get the ball with a minute left, but let the time run out with two knees and then head to the locker room. My heart is devastated, but my head agrees. Pats are up by three. No more text messages. I don’t feel great about this, but I have some faith. My future wife is so cute. Mom is now on to the newspaper, but wants me to read the Steven Tyler interview at halftime.

Halftime
We watch Dugan playing out in the snow. Callie has trouble walking, takes care of her business real quick, then heads back in. Dugan follows. I pace. Mom asks who wants desert. I can’t eat. The stomach pains are gone but my heart is in my throat. I need a beer.

Third Quarter
The Pats start with the ball. They love to start the second half with the ball. I believe they’ll score. I believe things in this game might change. They get a field goal. Field goals are like episodes of the Office now- nice to have around, but not really that satisfying. Last week’s episode was okay. Parks and Recreation is so much better. The Ravens score a touchdown. Ahhhhhhhhhhh shit. Danny Woodhead handles the kick off and runs it back, looks to have good field position…fumbles. The Ravens recover. Here is comes family…F WORD!...it’s cool though, I apologized earlier. Ravens take over. If they score…they only get a field goal. Okay. Ravens winning, but only by four. Beer. The snow is working. The Silver Fox is a genius. Now Mom is watching the game and getting animated. Fast Eddie is at the table grading papers. I don’t think he’s paying attention, but then he makes astute and spot on observations out of nowhere. The Gronk is tackled. POLLARD!!! I explain to the family just who that son of a bitch is. The injury looks ugly. The replays don’t help. Shit. Beer. The snow is working. Make sure the door is closed, it’s freezing out.

Fourth Quarter

The Pats continue to drive. They need a touchdown. I need a touchdown. I tell Future Wife I’m a nervous wreck. I know, she says. She knows me so well. I love her. I can’t sit anymore and stand up. Callie comes over and sits at my feet. She’s nervous for me. Dugan is looking at me too. Mom feels the announcers are biased for the Ravens. I agree. Three tries to get in the end zone and on the third try Brady, the marvelous man who can do anything, leaps over the mass of buddies at the line of scrimmage, takes a shot to the lower back by Ray Lewis and TOUCHDOWN. Pats are up 23-20 with about seven minutes to play. Future Wife reminds me to breathe. Ravens start to drive. Flacco, despite the moustache, looks good and has looked good for most of this game. Ray Rice hasn’t done much. That’s good. That little man scares me and…INTERCEPTION BRANDON SPIKES…and with a nice little run back the Pats look to be in a damn good position to close this game out. A nice long drawn out drive, kill some time and worst case kick a field goal. That’s cool. Beer. The snow is working. Still standing, Callie at my feet but I think she’s also very interested in the cheese on the coffee table. I throw Dugan a piece of a Triscuit. He got his haircut. He feels like a stuffed animal. Hike. Oh shit, Brady goes deep. Is Randy Moss available? It’s a bomb. It looks beautiful. It looks intercepted. It is. Damn it. Arm chair quarterbacks are going to be pissed about that. I can’t even swear. The Ravens have the ball with about five or so minutes left. Remember to breathe. Snow in the cooler. Ravens stall out and punt. Two and a half minutes left. All we need is a first down. That’s it. One first down and then play it safe until…Ed Reed. “Any of player besides him and that’s a penalty,” Fast Eddie says. I agree because I want too. The Patriots have to punt. The defense, the Patriots “much-maligned” defense, it’s all up to them. This game is going to go into overtime. Boldin makes a catch and scampers up field, getting them into Patriots’ territory. I feel terrible. How many times can you yell “Get Him!”? Regardless of what happens, no shit talking Flacco anymore. He’s legit. He gets the Ravens to the 11 yard line. Less than a minute left and they are in field goal range. Just please, no touchdown. Almost a touchdown, but the ball is popped out. Life. Sweet potatoes. Field goal attempt. It’s like an extra point- only a thirty yarder. I’m not sure I have the stomach for overtime. My chest might explode…

The kick is no good. It sails left. Brady takes a knee. That’s it. I clutch Erin’s hand. Super Bowl. I love my Future Wife, she’s so cute. It’s over. The Patriots win. It’s hard to believe. I don’t believe it.

No Mom, I don’t want to read the interview with Steven Tyler.

On to Indy. It’s the Giants again.

I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

Stone Rollin on a Moderately Sluggish Wednesday

20 Songs to start a Moderately Sluggish Wednesday:
1. "Tenderness"- Galactic
2. "Howlin’ for You"- the Black Keys
3. "How to Undress in Front of Your Husband"- Loverless
4. "Kampala Truth Work"- Max Tannone w/ Mos Def
5. "Ocean Breathes Salty"- Modest Mouse
6. "Music Man"- Paranoid Social Club
7. "Behind the Moon"- Matt Costa
8. "Turn Me On"- Big Boi
9. "I Changed My Mind"- Lyrics Born
10. "Love Gun"- Cee Lo Green
11. "Whispered Words"- Dan Auerbach
12. "Anytime"- My Morning Jacket
13. "Taylor"- Jack Johnson
14. "We Share the Same Skies"- the Cribs
15. "Promised Land"- Bruce Springsteen
16. "Black Thumbnail"- Kings of Leon
17. "Two Weeks"- Grizzly Bear
18. "East Jesus Nowhere"- Green Day
19. "Far Behind"- Eddie Veddar
20. "What’s the Altitude?"- Cut Chemist w/ Hymnal

5 Words/Phrases for a Moderately Sluggish Wednesday:
1. Coffee
2. Jamtastic
3. In-kind
4. Mood Technician
5. Palm Sunday

3 Thoughts for a Moderately Sluggish Wednesday:
1. 40 percent of the vote is a shitty result for having done 4 years of work in any state, let alone New Hampshire.
2. Someone needs to make a good movie about Billy the Kid and make it about his whole life, not just his years as an outlaw.
3. This could be a band name: Garbanzo & the Chick Peas, but that band might be terrible. Maybe a name like The Garbanzo Brothers would be better.

6 Sports Thoughts on a Moderately Sluggish Wednesday:
1. Patriots 34 Broncos 17
2. The 49ers will beat the Saints but it might include someone giving Drew Brees the wrong direction to the stadium.
3. I feel bad for Ryan Madsen. He was shooting for 4 years, 40 million bucks, but ended up with 1 year and 8.5 million from the Reds. The only thing that would get me back to Cincinnati would be a wedding, funeral or 8.5 million dollars.
4. I miss HBO’s Road to the Winter Classic mini-series already, but I’m looking forward to the next one about Freddie Roach, even though I could care less about boxing.
5. I wonder if I’ll have to explain to my kids whether or not wrestling is fake.

6. There are too many NBA games going on right now to keep track of. I picked the wrong year to try out fantasy basketball.

This peformance of "One Big Holiday" by My Morning Jacket is a great way to spend those few minutes on a conference call when you're not talking.

2011- You Don't Have to Go Home, but You Can't Stay Here

2012 is going to be one of those years. I can feel it. This isn’t posturing and I’m not talking myself into anything- like Bored to Death on HBO or eating avocados. I just feel that 2012 is going to be a good year. I feel so good about it that frankly, I’d skip Christmas, the week after and New Year’s just to get the ball rolling.

2011 I learned the value of patience. It probably wouldn’t be wise to throw that out now.

So what’s cracking in 2012 that is going to make it such a good year? Well for starters I’m getting married in the summer- July 28th to be exact. And if you’re keeping track, that is exactly 8 days after the release of the Dark Knight Rises. The two events are not related- not yet at least. My lovely Future Wife and I are getting hitched on the Manasquan River in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Have you ever been to Point Pleasant? Have you ever asked yourself questions? Either way, Point Pleasant is best described as a thin slice of heaven. Wait, should heaven be capitalized? I’m moving on, tiger style. And speaking of tigers, according to the goalie of the Flyers, if you kill a tiger in China you get the death penalty. While I question the accuracy of that statement, I certainly don’t question the amazing entertainment value of 24/7: the Road to the Winter Classic.

Point Pleasant might be an island. There are a lot of delicious crab cake sandwiches there and if I lived there I’d buy a long board to get around town on.

Also happening in the upcoming year is the birth of Baby Turner as Erin and Ed are expecting what will surely be a smart, sassy, baseball-knowledgeable and well read baby girl. I’m going to uncle the bejesus out of that little lady and I couldn’t be happier for those two. They will make great parents, my parents will make great grandparents and Dugan will make a great big brother/guardian/enforcer/body pillow. Kim and I got Baby Turner what could easily be described as the best baby gift ever- a Patriots’ cheerleader outfit- a little something for that little lady to grow into and wear proudly on Sundays in the future as she inevitably develops a crush on Tom Brady. Who doesn’t have a crush on Tom Brady? The Saturday Night Live skit lampooning Tim Tebow said it best- “I (Jesus) might be the Son of God, but Tom Brady is the guy’s nephew.”

I would like to see the Patriots win the Super Bowl in 2012, but I don’t feel 100 percent confident about that yet. I only feel about 74 percent confident. And you know, those nitwits on ESPN keep knocking the Pats’ defense and while I’m not saying that’s blasphemy, I do think they get knocked and criticized more than they should. In the last couple weeks you can really only point to one game (the Giants game) where the defense cost them the game and another game (the Redskins game) where they defense almost cost them the game. Other than that they’ve been pretty solid, really running strong with this “bend, but don’t break” style which could also be referred to as a near heart attack-inducing for fans style of defense. All I’ll say is that A) I like their chances and B) won’t be convinced until they win a playoff game.

2012 is going to be a good year. Sure there is the requisite uncertainty that comes with the dawning of each year, but I am focusing on the positive, focusing on what I can control. This time next year I’ll be married and teaching my niece how to say things like “awesome, dude” and “that’s what’s up.” The process is not certain, but the end result is. 2011 has been a year of ups and downs, heaval and upheaval. We lost my cousin Jay and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and his family.

There is a little over week left of 2011 and you know, I won’t miss it once it’s gone. But it taught me some things, proved some things, and shot a hole in a few things. I’m ready to move it to the past experiences pile and see what’s next for Ryno.

We live, we love, we learn. We ride bikes, we ride longboards, we ride rollercoasters. We do it with smiles, we do it with frowns and we do it with tears. The minute life becomes predictable is the minute it becomes boring.

Here’s to another year of unpredictably. May we face our challenges with cold beers, good tunes and no traffic.

Dressing Up As A Troubled Fan

It’s hard to know what is more unsettling. There is the Patriots’ dismal and long-view disheartening loss to the Steelers, Boardwalk Empire possibly spreading itself too thin or my kind of okay Halloween costume of a skuzzy roadie being realized as a more spot on Fred Durst costume. Yeah, Fred Durst- the loser from Limp Bizkit, who I realized I looked like in the bathroom. Before I could fully digest this, I was called out for looking like him by a gal dressed up like Crock Pot.

It was a nice weekend for sure, but it was a weekend that came away turbulent by the time Monday morning rolled around.

So where to start? Well I could start with wondering why I still have Matisyahu on my I-pod. I never listen to him anymore and when I do it’s for about a minute- struck by the novelty of listening to him before being struck even harder by the fact that his songs are kind of boring.

No, I’m leaving that alone and skipping ahead.

Boardwalk Empire- we will start there. This is a massive show. It’s confusing and like a James Joyce book, something that only makes sense when tackling it with outside resources like Alan Sepinwall and the A.V. Club. It just has a lot of characters and a lot of moving parts- things that make for slightly challenging Sunday evening viewing, especially after a few hours of casual day-drinking and laundry-doing. I thought, and still do think, that this season has been amazing and has made last season’s arduous and sometimes less entertaining and more educational first season totally worth it. But after last night, I’m left thinking that perhaps the show is just a bit too big for its britches.

I like all the characters, but I’m starting to get worried that it is fast becoming too much for one show. Is Boardwalk Empire a morality play or a gangster flick? Is it story about people struggling with their beliefs, struggling with themselves or struggling with getting booze across state lines? Last night was the first night that I started to think that maybe Steve Buscemi’s Nucky Thompson would be pushed aside like Ned Stark in Game of Thrones and in this case, making room for Jimmy Darmody in the same way Ned’s death made room for his son Rob. I just don’t know what kind of show I’m watching with Boardwalk. When it first started, the producers talked about the show as a rare look at the gangsters we had come to know and love- Al Capone, Lucky Luciano and Meyer Lansky, as baby gangsters, and instead of seeing them at the height of their power, as we had on so many occasions, we were seeing them as ambitious up and comers. I never thought about this until last night. But doesn’t that statement mean that the show isn’t long for Buscemi and his Thompson character? Just where is this show going? I have no problems with them going gangster, but if that’s the case, I have problems with things like Van Alden baby daddy drama and Margaret Shroeder pinning for Irish Furio. After every episode of this season, I’ve been left saying- wow, this show is amazing. Last night I was left wondering what kind of show that I found amazing.

As for my beloved Patriots, yesterday’s game was very simply put- not a lot of fun. They only lost by eight? Christ, it should have been twenty. There were times when I forgot the Pats’ had dressed an offense for the game. Since 2007, the Patriots have played games that I call “Wait, Isn’t Belicheck a Defensive Genius?” Games and yesterday was one of those games. It was a dismal loss and one that when looking long-term at the team, leaves you with questions and not even a glimmer of the confidence that you had after the Jets and Cowboy games. Bob Ryan had a column in Sunday’s Boston Globe, talking about how at this point, Pats’ fans want playoff wins and not regular season wins. Well if yesterday’s game was any indication, the Steelers look playoff ready and the Patriots look first or second round loss ready…again.

But whatever, the weekend if over and now it’s another Monday and it’s Halloween. There will be no sports radio today, just loud music. I have my face back after shaving off my chin and the patchy hair that was there for my Halloween costume and even though it’s cold, the sun is shining. We will move on because we have too. The Patriots will either have a defense come January or they won’t and Boardwalk Empire will either succeed because of its ambition or capsize because of the weight it’s put on.

I know one thing for sure, my pumpkin-carving skills are lacking. We will all move on. We have too.